Top 10 Worst songs of 2014

When you ask someone what the worst year in music is, many answers pop up. Some say 2016, some say 2018, some say 2012, some say 2013, some say 2019. But one thing we can all agree on is that 2014 was one of the worst years for music in recent memory. The bad songs were heinous, and the good songs were scarce and not that memorable. In fact, unlike the previous years, I'm actually starting off with the worst list, and then doing the best list. So prepare your ears, as we look at my Top 10 worst songs of 2014. Be afraid. Be very afraid. 

10. 

A crossover between Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan? Oh yeah, this is getting on my worst list.

This is How We Roll by Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan

This song is like the bizzaro version of Confession. Confession is a sweet, heartfelt, catchy, and honest song, while This Is How We Roll is a bland as hell, processed and dull bro country song that makes Kick The Dust Up seem interesting in comparison. Say what you will about Meant To Be, Knockin Boots, or even Boys Round Here, but at least they're interesting. This is just generic, boring country drivel we've seen a billion times. Which brings me to the other reason this song is a let down. When you hear "Florida Georgia Line collabing with Luke Bryan" you expect an absolute disasterpiece. But This Is How We Roll is bland, boring, and not even offensively bad. Luke Bryan doesn't even do much. So it's not good, and it's not even an interesting disaster. How the hell did you guys make Confession?

9.

2014: a year so bad, Ed Sheeran made an absolutely awful song.

Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran

When I think of this song, I'm reminded of what Doug Walker said in his Disneycember review of Home On The Range. For those who don't know, here's what he said:

Okay, now let me make one thing clear. When I say "half-assed," I mean half-assed for Disney. I know animation is hard, I know that by most normal standards, this is still pretty good animation, and I know that by most bad films and even bad children's films considered, this isn't that horrendous. But if somebody told you that this was from the greatest animation company in the entire world, admit it. You'd be a little cheesed off, too. You would want to see more effort from something that's so massive and so large, and this is a movie that's obviously just geared towards little kids, I mean, really little kids, toddlers.

That's what I think of when I think of Thinking Out Loud. On its own, it's not that bad. If this song was made by anyone else, I wouldn't care. But this is Ed Sheeran. This is the man who made Castle On The Hill, I Don't Care, and Perfect. I expect great things out of this man, and this song is not one of them. It's a boring slog, with a stupid music video. In fact, even the AJR cover of this song isn't that good: 

And when AJR can't make a song sound good, then it's truly a pile of garbage. Thankfully, Ed has made up for it, but Thinking Out Loud is a massive stain in Sheeran's discography.

8.

I have mixed feelings on Sam Smith. The guy does have some talent, and can make alright songs like Dancing With A Stranger, How Do You Sleep?, and Too Good at Goodbyes. But what makes those songs work is that they play into Sam's strengths. This song does not.

La la la by Naughty Boy and Sam Smith.

No part of this song works. At all. Smith's voice is terrible and out of its depth, the music video is stupid, and the message is basic, bland, and not thought out. The song tries to be a nice sounding, not caring anthem, but it's too screechy and imbalanced to pull that off. On top of that, the song's message can be taken to a dangerous extreme. Sure, some situations can be handled by ignoring, but not all of them, and this song promotes the message of using that for all situations. But really, this song just sucks. It's not even a fun song to talk about. I struggled to come up with things to say about this one despite how awful it is. Just take my word for it that it sucks. Next. 

7.

Well, here's a pick that will shock absolutely no-one.

Wiggle by Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg

SUPRISE! Wiggle is on another worst of 2014 list. But is it any surprise that it is? Because Wiggle is truly a godawful song. The beat is boring, and enhanced by a recorder, the lyrics are worthless, Snoop is pervy and bored, and Jason Derulo is his usual sleazy self. But you already know that, so for this entry, instead of reiterating the same points made by literally every other music critic, I am going to instead say why this song fails at being a guilty pleasure. Now, there are 3 ways a song can be a guilty pleasure: 1: It's stupid, but doesn't know it. 2: It's stupid and knows it, but has fun with itself. And 3: It's a fascinating disaster. 1 is obviously out, because Wiggle knows that it's stupid. But unlike a song like Party Rock Anthem or Broccoli, which is silly innocent fun, Wiggle is too pervish to come off as innocently stupid. And as for reason 3, Wiggle fails at that too. Let's compare Wiggle to another song about a part of the body that is considered sexy: My Dick by 3HOH!3. For those who don't remember that song, here it is:

Now, while My Dick is a bad song, unlike Wiggle, it succeeds at being an interesting failure. The music video has a bizarre framing device in the form of a documentary about an old man with a big dick, the song has an infectious, catchy melody, and there are many so bad it's good lines, such as "My dick's bigger than Wales, and your dick's smaller than a motherfucking snail", "My dick like the Mississippi river, my dick ask your bitch what's for dinner" and of course " Every time I look at my dick, I'm like holy shit that's a big dick. And every time I look at your dick, I'm like holy shit that's a small dick" The closest Wiggle has to a so bad it's good lyric is "go ahead and go HAM sammich". And while that line is kind of humorous, it isn't enough to make the song a guilty pleasure, and the rest of the song is insufferable lines about how big Derulo's girl's butt is. So it's not good musically, it's not so bad it's good, it's not stupidly enjoyable. Wiggle is a song that fails on all fronts, and if both artists stop making garbage like this, then they do indeed have a bright future behind them.

6.

Really, Adam? I stick up for Girls Like You, Wait, What Lovers Do, and Don't Wanna Know, and this is the thanks I get?!

Animals by Maroon 5

As someone who loved how human Adam Levine felt in Wait and especially Don't Wanna Know, Animals-mals is a slap in the face. Yay. We get to see Adam Levine be a sexy serial killer. Oh joy of joys. On top of that, Animals sounds obnoxious as hell. The beat is idiotic, Adam sounds like he's getting kicked in the nuts, and the music video can go to hell. Screw Adam going through a symbolic journey of redemption that ends with him literally falling apart. Screw Adam in a stupid costume acting insanely human, and having an interesting conversation with Vince Vaughn. Let's just see him act like a creepy pervert and douse himself in pig's blood. Not since Billboard making Someone You Loved Lewis Capaldi's most famous song have I felt the urge to throw out so many middle fingers. While Animals isn't the worst Maroon 5 song (Trust me, that's coming up later), it's the one that's the most insulting. As one of the few music critics that actually likes Don't Wanna Know, Wait, and Girls Like You, Animals feels like Adam Levine insulting me, by creating a song that tries as hard as it can to not have anything that made those songs work for me. Way to piss off one of the few people who doesn't hate you Adam. Hope you're proud of yourself.

5.

Fancy by Iggy Azelea and Charlie XCX will not be on this list. Sure Iggy Azela sucks as always, but it is kind of catchy, and it gave us a great Weird Al parody. Also, Azelea made a 2014 song that was much, much worse.

Black Widow by Iggy Azelea and Rita Ora

Black Widow is like if you took Bad Blood, made it even worse, and even more generic. As misandrist Dear Future Husband and No were, at least they were unique. It also doesn't help that it completely sucks. The production sounds like it came from a song from Taylor Swift's Reputation, Iggy Azelea is a non-prescience in her own song, and as for Rita Ora? Oh my god is she terrible!!!!!!!!!! She has one of the most bland, annoying voices I've ever heard in my life!!!!!!! Basically, Black Widow is a song that's so bland, annoying, and worthless, that it doesn't even warrant as much hate as No or even I Might Go Lesbian. Black Widow should be forgotten by time, along with the artists that made it.

4. 

This is the worst song Maroon 5 has ever made. 

This Summer's Gonna Hurt Like A Motherfucker by Maroon 5

While not as much of a slap in the face as Animals, TSGHLAMF is extremely bad. Adam sounds terrible, the melody is nonexistent, but the worst part is the song's use of the "f" bomb. If it were up to me, TSGHLAMF would be the poster child for Maroon 5's bland lameness instead of Girls Like You. Unlike Fuck, I'm Lonely, which used the F word to emphasize the sadness of Lauv and Anne Marie's lack of companionship, Maroon 5's usage of the word is only a gimmick. As in "Hey we used the f word! Are we cool and edgy yet?!" No. No you're not, Adam Levine. I may not hate you as much as everyone else Maroon 5, but you're still capable of making songs I hate.

3.

Like Wiggle, this song is also an obvious pick, but oh my god it is so bad.

Dark Horse by Katy Perry and Juicy J

This song is like an amalgamation of everything I don't like in bad music, sans toxic lyrics. The beat is nonexistent, the melody is dark and boring, the singing is garbage, the lyrics are meaningless drivel, the music video is incredibly stupid, and of course, "Eat your heart out like Jeffery Dahmer" And like with my 2015 worst list, it's time to play:

The Top 5 things wrong with Eat your heart out like Jeffery Dahmer

5. It's unoriginal. It was first used in a Ke$ha song. 

4. It means nothing

3. It's sung by Juicy J

2. It references Jeffery Dahmer, one of the worst people alive.

and the #1 thing wrong with Eat Your Heart Out Like Jeffery Dahmer is.....

1. It's a terrible lyric to begin with!

 

Bottom line, this song is terrible. It's like if you combined the terrible melody and spoiledness of 7 Rings with the meaningless lyrics of Worth It. There is no joy to be had from it whatsoever. It's dull, it's dreary, it's dark, and it's garbage. I know this next song is worse, but I want to stop talking about Dark Horse as soon as possible.

2.

Aside from Malibu and Party in the USA, I'm not a Miley Cyrus fan. I haven't heard that much from her, but what I have is really meh. But this song? If 6ix9ine didn't exist, this would be the worst rap song ever made.

23 by Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Mike Will Made-It

Who's idea was it to have Miley Cyrus rap? Whoever it was, they need to be fired because Miley Cyrus rapping is one of the most painful sounds in existence. Her flow is awful, and her voice is squeaky and annoying. Also, this beat is obnoxious as hell, mainly due to the man of the hour, Mike Will Made-It. While Mike can sometimes makes good songs, like Powerglide and HUMBLE, most of the songs he makes are garbage like this. Hell, this isn't even the only Miley collab, as he also produced We Can't Stop, one of, if not the, worst party anthems of all time. But 23 is far, far worse. His beat for this song sounds like a computer having a seziure. Oh, and who could forget Juicy J, who is easily the most forgettable person on here. But I'd take forgettable over Miley obnoxiously rapping. The lyrics are garbage, with barely any basketball references, but really this song is just painful, because Miley's voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Can you please go back to making songs like Malibu? Please, Miley?

And now, the dishonorable mentions:

Amnesia by 5 Seconds Of Summer

I am genuinely surprised that I didn't have room for Amnesia. Because this song is absolutely retched. Consider it the honorary #11. Also, am I the only one who thinks that Calum Hood looks like Mario Lopez?

Shake It Off by Taylor Swift

The rap bridge is one of the cringiest things I've ever heard in my life, but aside from that, this song is meh.

Let It Go by Idina Menzel

I never liked this song, and the fact that everyone worships it makes it even more infuriating. I'd take Old Town Road over this any day.

Annaconda by Nicki Minaj

This song is the definition of being so sexual and offensive, it's not even eye-batting.

Drunk In Love by Beyonce and Jay-Z

This song is my honorary #12. Absolutely awful in every conceivable way.

All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor

Even after I've managed to gain a proper opinion on Meghan Trainor, I still have no thoughts on her first and biggest hit. It's basically the musical equivalent of Teflon.

Chandelier by Sia

I know a lot of people like this one, but I just can't get into it. Sia sounds boring, and the instrumental is bleh. 

#Selfie by The Chainsmokers

"Hey, let's make our debut single an obnoxious piece of garbage, so that all of our future songs will sound amazing in comparison!"

Hot Ni*** by Bobby Shmurda, and My N*** by YG, Jeezy, and Rich Homie Quan

The Principle of Non Caucasian Suckitude: If a song has the N word in the title, it is going to suck.

Lifestyle by Rich Gang, Young Thug, and Rich Homie Quan

Boomhauer called. He said he can't understand a word that you're saying, and that you suck.

That being said, that beat switchup in the beginning absolutely slaps.

And now, onto #1

1.

Like with my 2015 worst list, this #1 is also a tie. And I am genuinely surprised these songs don't get on more 2014 worst lists, because good god are they terrible!!!!!!!

Hello Kitty by Avril Lavigne and Na Na by Trey Songz

As bad as She Knows and Dooo It! are, they're at least interesting failures. These songs are godawful garbage, that aren't interesting, and are painful to listen to. Let's start with Hello Kitty, which is basically Bitch I'm Madonna, but even more obnoxious, and sprinkled with racism aimed at Japan. Avril sounds awful, the lyrics are childish and moronic, and this beat can go to hell. It's so obnoxious and hateable. And while that on it's own would make this song awful, what makes it worse than 23 is the fact that it's insanely racist. Yes, we've reached the point where I can say "Oh that song is awful, but at least it's not racist." If you played a drinking game where you took a drink every time something racist appeared in the music video and or lyrics of Hello Kitty, you would die of alcohol poisoning. There are so many offensive Japanese stereotypes, that I'm shocked the makers of Hello Kitty haven't sued Avril for putting their name on this atrocity. So you're probably wondering what's so bad about Na Na that it's tied with the obnoxious and racist Hello Kitty. Well, there's really only one reason: it's creepy. However, unlike Bad Guy or Bury A Friend, this creepiness is not only not intentional, but feels threatening. This song just makes my hair stand up, and makes me feel like backing away. I wouldn't listen to Na Na for a million dollars it's that creepy. So yeah, that's it. Those 2 are the worst song of 2014. No clever outro. I'm done. Good. Fricking. Riddance.

Welp, that was the worst of 2014. What are your thoughts? What did you agree or disagree with? What's your worst of 2014 list? Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for when we cleanse our palates with my best of 2014 list.